I thought for a second I was going to faint. I would have welcomed it, actually.
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Seeing Declan and Lucas here at lunch was not even in the top one thousand things I thought would occur today.
They are Howard’s sons.
I’m hurt.
I don’t have time to analyze how fucked up this tidbit of breaking news is, because life today is flying by at warp speed, and I’m just riding it out on the crazy train. That is, until I can escape back to the confines of my own four walls to drink alone in my pajamas and analyze the shit out of the last twenty–four hours.
I’m angry.
My mother is getting married, and I’m sick to my stomach. Looking around the table, it’s clear poor Howard is the only one here without ulterior motives. He doesn’t deserve the wreckage Evelyn will cause, and I can’t say a damn thing.
This is why the date is set for a week before my birthday. This date buys my mother safe passage to wreak havoc in this nice man’s life.
I can tell by the way she is shooting daggers at me that she wants to get me alone before I leave, and I tell myself I’m not going to let her when the perfect moment presents itself.
Shit.
Declan’s phone rings. It’s work, and he and Lucas excuse themselves to take it. After they leave, I make a little bit of small talk with Howard, then she interrupts us to say she is cold and asks him to fetch her a sweater from her room.
Double shit.
I know she is just trying to get us alone.
As he walks away, I can feel my shoulders sag, and I’m tangled in an uncomfortable quiet, watching my mother sip her coffee.
Setting it down on the table, she lets out her typical disappointed sigh, and I brace myself for her wrath.
“Why didn’t you tell me you are working with his sons?” Her tone is harsh.
I’m in no mood to list all of the ways I am currently being deceived, so I stick with my original story. “I wasn’t lying, Evelyn. I thought I had told you,” I call her by her name because I know she dislikes it.
Then, with a stern voice, she starts in on me. “Howard will be back soon, so I’ll be quick. You will be happy for our wedding. You will be my maid of honor. You will keep your mouth shut, and you will not interfere. Go against me, and I will devastate you, Jayne.” Her tone is frigid, and her eyes are stabbing into me.
9:43 Mon, Sep 22
Chapter 24
B %77)
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Then she sits back and sneers, and I know the kicker is coming. She can never let me walk away without crushing me a little more.
“You know, Howard’s boys are attractive. You could learn something from me.” She motions to my relaxed capris and tank top and continues, “You would have to make some drastic changes though. Someone as simple–looking as you is always good for a temporary thing, but rich, important men like them look for higher quality in their long–term commitments. I’m sure if you offered yourself up to them though, they’d take you up on it, even if it was only out of pity. Then you’d have someone to take care of you now that I’m getting married.”
She has no idea just how much she gutted me with that comment. Normally she misses the mark, but that hurt. I’m not ready to deal with my own feelings about what last night did or didn’t mean. I don’t need her infinite wisdom right now.
She’s in a particularly nasty mood today, and I know she isn’t done with me yet. The moment Howard began his friendly banter, I knew I should have just played the cold daughter. She hates being sidelined, and I’m paying for it now.
“And, Jayne, I’m serious. Lose some weight before the wedding.” With a wave of her hand, she gestures to all of me. Any remaining semblance of civility is gone, and she leans back with a satisfied sneer. “The only man who ever loved you for who you are inside checked out years ago. Now you’re going to have to put some effort into what you look like if you want to find someone who’ll put up with you.” It’s as though she’s been waiting for years to say those words to me, and I am done.
I can see Howard walking back with a sweater, and as he approaches the table I make an excuse to get away before I crumble in front of my mother.
My voice is strained, but only Evelyn notices. “Please excuse me. I need to use the washroom. I’ll be right back.”
As I run across the lawn to the house, my heart beats hard against my ribs. Tears sting my eyes, and I’m losing control of my breath.
Dammit, my chest feels so tight. This is too much. I know what this is, and I just need to get to the bathroom to try and calm myself.
Nope, I’m not going to make it. I’m having an anxiety attack.
I make it inside, then I run up the stairs and down the hall to the bathroom I know is at the back of the house.
I don’t want to risk seeing anyone in the main floor bathroom–most of all my bosses,
As I near the bathroom door, I think I hear the sound of footsteps, but I brush it off as my heart pounding in my chest.
I need to get this under control.
I close the door behind me, and a tear escapes down my cheek.
How can she speak to me like that, and so easily? My own mother.
I tun on the faucet, and the sound of the water calms me.
9:43 Mon, Sep 22
Chapter 24
Focus on the water.
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Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I just now realize that I’m openly sobbing, and my face is flushed a deep red.
Focus on the water.
Then there’s Declan and Lucas. I don’t even know how to handle that situation anymore. My mother isn’t right, but I fear she is close. Why would both of them want me?
They had to have known who I was, and I feel like such a fool.
And my dad–she’s never offered any condolences. We’ve never spoken about it. This was the first she’s mentioned anything about him since I lost him. And this is what she says. She gleefully sold his life’s work and spent his money. The money he set aside for me so I could continue his legacy.
How could she?
Focus on the water.
Everything stills for the briefest moment, then panic sets in. I wasn’t fast enough, and I know what’s coming.
My chest is tight, and I can’t find the air I need. Violent, rigid breaths rage through me as I grip the sides of the sink, and darkness creeps into the room.
Focus on the fucking water.
I cry out a strangled sob as the door flies open.
AD
