Chapter 195
“Whatever,” I mutter, wheeling the cart away before she can plead her case. We only came here for a few things, but Julie’s brain treats supermarkets like they’re memory vaults. Suddenly, she remembers everything they’re out of at home. She also insists her art is only “half- decent” unless she’s slightly inebriated.
Since the cruise ended – and with it, my decades–long friendship with the concept of hope I’ve been trying to figure out who I am without a wedding ring. Mostly, it’s been me, working through the darkness in my head and trying not to act on the worst parts of myself.
Spoiler: it’s going terribly.
No matter how many metaphors my therapist throws at me, I still can’t find even footing. And yet, I haven’t given up. I’ve been in and out of fertility clinics, still hoping one of them will finally give me some good
news.
They haven’t. Not one. Another dead end. But at least I have my 4 PM Wednesday sob–fests with Dr. Lynne to look forward to. It’s depressing that that’s the highlight of my week.
Julie leads me to the pads aisle
–
a war zone of choice — and launches into a full–blown debate about absorbency levels and wings versus no wings. I hang back with the cart, letting my eyes wander.
–
Naturally, they land on a 6’2 slab of man–god only a few feet away. Muscled. Delicious. Holding a baby. Single dad? Good with kids? Doesn’t matter both are turn–ons. He’s in the feminine care aisle, which means he’s not squeamish about women’s anatomy. Yummy. Probably has a sister. And that beard? Thick enough to send my
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ovaries into cardiac arrest.
I’m one internal monologue away from ditching Julie when a woman walks up and grabs his free hand. Then I catch the wedding band on his finger. And just like that, a bucket of cold water dumps over my entire libido.
So much for that fantasy.
Maybe it’s the universe trying to tell me there won’t be a marriage number four.
And honestly? Fair.
“I was at Zane’s last game.” Julie announces once’she’s finally satisfied with her absurdly specific pad selection. “They’ve been so shitty this season, it’s a crime they still charge for tickets.”
I scoff. “Cut the man some slack. He just lost his fiancée. Of course he‘ s not on his A–game. And with Stone on trial, the whole team’s probably on edge.”
Julie gives me a look so dry it could peel paint. “Imagine defending Chicago. Could never be me.”.
Classic Julie. Acts all aloof, but she’s her brother’s ride–or–die. If Liam hates someone, she hates them harder. If Liam loves something, it’s basically gospel. Including New York. Come to think of it, she hasn’t gone off about Liam in a while. Wonder if something happened between them again. Not that it matters. They fight like it’s an Olympic sport — and they both go for gold.
She turns back to the shelves, muttering, “Didn’t you say that Zane guy’s been getting real cosy with his fiancée’s best friend? That doesn’t exactly scream ‘grief–stricken widower‘ to me.”
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“They both lost the same person,” I say carefully. “Maybe it… helps to be around someone who also lost Becca. They can find comfort in each other.”
Julie looks at me like I’ve grown a second head. “Even you don’t believe that crap. If I died, the only thing comforting my partner would be my ghost. And maybe a chainsaw.”
“Julie,” I gasp. “You can’t just say shit like that.”
She shrugs, completely unbothered. “I just did.”
We head for the cashier. After paying, we get into a mild, completely avoidable argument over what to do with her mountain of impulse buys. Drop them at her parents‘ place first? Or leave them in the car while we go paint?
I guilt–trip her into submission. Something about how I’ve been drowning in work, still carved out time for her sorry ass, and this is how she repays me. She caves, and we agree to do our girl’s night first.
Once we’re in the car, she buckles up and immediately dives for the back seat. She pulls out a bag of cheese balls, rips it open, and buries her face in it like she hasn’t seen food in days. She offers me one.
I grimace. “Pass,” I mutter, starting the enginé.
She’s quiet for a beat, then asks, “Have you considered it?”
I glance over. “Considered what?”
“You know… other options.”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’m still looking. Hoping something changes.”
Julie exhales, gently this time. “I know you want to get pregnant.
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Chapter 195
Really. But you also have to consider that it might never happen.”
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