Chapter 1: Jayne
“Summoned again,” I announce to no one in particular as I trek toward the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
That’s how I feel about my visits with my mother.
She beckons, I go.
Our time together is never enjoyable and often results in me sitting impassively and glaring daggers at the woman who gave birth to me while she speaks—which is rarely with me, unless others are within earshot.
When I was younger, I fought for my relationship with my mother, making excuse after excuse for her horrible behavior until I saw her for what she was: a narcissist too consumed by her own selfishness to see those of us who would have loved her if she had given us the chance.
My desperation turned to disdain, then apathy over the years as I realized there was no place in her life for anything other than her own needs, and that included me. I was merely a tool to help her get what she felt she deserved.
Growing up, I thought my parents had it all, but I blame my starry-eyed ideals on the naivety of my youth. Money is never important to a child. Not when you have attention, affection, and an endless supply of long, sunny days spent playing with your parents at the summer beach house.
I learned quickly how important money is to adults. I’d listen to my parents’ late-night arguments.
Don’t get me wrong. My father made a good living. We were considered rich by many standards, although we never bought many extravagant things. My dad always said, if it worked, secondhand was as good as new.
My mother didn’t share his views. According to her, there was always room to go bigger. She continuously pushed him to work harder so she could buy everything brand new, saying to me, “If someone else didn’t care enough to keep it, it was trash, and we don’t own garbage.”
My father pushed back. He opted to spend his time with us instead of striving to make more than enough at the expense of his connection to his family. I remember him saying, “We have enough money, but I’ll never have enough of the both of you.”
But it was never enough for her.
We were never enough.
Eventually, she left in pursuit of her own treasures, but she didn’t go alone. She made sure to fight for custody since I would come with a hefty monthly check from my father.
The final custody ruling broke my dad’s heart, but we made the most of the time we got to spend together.
Until five years ago, when my father suffered a massive aneurysm.
He died before I could get to the hospital.
Losing my father crushed me. He was the only person in my life who had enough.
When I was with him, I was enough.
But in the end, I was alone.
I went to the funeral alone. Evelyn, which is what I call my mother now, couldn’t be bothered to leave her charmed life for a one-hour drive to the funeral home. She couldn’t support her only daughter in saying goodbye to her dad.
In the church, I sat among his business associates, staff, and some of his friends. I pretended they were part of my social circle as well, but they weren’t.
I stood on the beach in front of our little cabin and spread his ashes alone, crying my goodbyes against the wind as it came in off the lake to take him away from me.
And now I am alone.
My mother uses me for her own means as she sees fit. She pulls me out and dusts me off when she needs to show how amazing she is. Then she puts me away and forgets about me just as quickly, and for the next six weeks I have to go along with it, as she is holding the one thing I so desperately want over my head.
We weren’t enough. I wasn’t enough.
Now, I’ve just about had enough.
Just about.
* * *
“Hello, Mother. You called?” I try for a cordial tone, but the word “mother” always seems to come out sounding trite.
“Yes, my dear Jayne. I never get to see you anymore.” I roll my eyes at the high pitch of her insincere tone and grit my teeth to hold in my tongue.
Her mock warmth is my first clue that someone else is within earshot, and it is someone she is trying to impress.
“Oh, well, you know me: always busy and stuff. What do you want?” I’ve learned to get to the point quick with her.
“I’m having lunch in the garden with Howard, darling, and I was telling him how you were between jobs, and he said one of the companies he’s invested in is hiring. He doesn’t own it, but he can send over your information if you are interested.” She sounds like she’s trying to be helpful, but I bet she was attempting to feign understanding of her out-of-work daughter, and dear Howard, with his heart of gold, swooped in to help. Now she has no choice but to play along and hope that it will be me who turns down his generous offer.
Not today.
An offer is an offer, and I need a job. Evelyn is the last person I would dare tell my troubles to, but I can only afford a couple more months of rent before I’m forced to grovel for her help, and that is not going to happen.
“That sounds wonderful, Mother.” I jack my sweetness level up to a ten and ask her to put Howard on the phone so I can thank him personally.
Her voice hitches in her throat as she reluctantly passes me off to her newest sugar daddy.
Howard is a nice guy.
I met him when my mother first sank her claws into him and moved into his home a short month later.
He is my mother’s big fish.
Since divorcing my father, she has slowly climbed the ranks of suitors. If they are ever married, Howard will be her fourth husband—although she’s probably told him that he will be her third since she doesn’t count her marriage to Mike. That lasted only two months before she caught him balls deep in the maid and settled with a huge payday.
I still think she bribed that maid to set him up.
Howard is too good for my mother. He reminds me of my dad. The first time I saw them together, he looked content. It was the same look my dad used to have when he talked about having everything he could ever want.
It breaks my heart to see her play a character around him. I know in the end she will only leave him feeling bitter and alone, and I hope he sees her true colors before he gets in too deep.
“Hello, Jayne. How are you doing today?” Howard’s voice is genuine, and it makes me smile into the phone even though there’s no one around to see me.
“I’m wonderful, Howard. How are you?”
We exchange our pleasantries, and he tells me about Hale Property Management. Apparently, due to growth and restructuring, some new departments have been created, and administrative staff is required.
As I thank him for sending my résumé over, he tells me such consideration isn’t required. He says he is close with the owners, and I can report in on Monday unless I hear otherwise from him.
“Yes. Thank you, Howard. I appreciate this.” I don’t hide my excitement.
Howard doesn’t know how much he’s saved me. I’ve been unemployed for three months, and my bank account is dangerously close to overdrawn.
I loved my last job. I did data entry and online research, so I was pretty much left on my own. I put in my time, and I left. All good things must come to an end though, and the company ended up going through massive layoffs. Our department was the first to be outsourced.
I’ve been applying for work ever since.
I’ve had a lot of interviews, but nothing further. The job market is tough right now. Every position has more than enough applicants.
I say another thank you and make up an excuse about shopping for new work clothes, then I ask Howard to say goodbye to my mother for me.
I’m ending my week on a high note, and she’ll only knock me down a few pegs.
Monday can’t come soon enough.
