Chapter 22
མ་
55 vouchers
The city lights pass by my window in a blur. I’ve asked my driver to take a longer way home. I can’t sit in the quiet of my apartment right now. I need some distraction as I fight to clear the fuzziness clouding my head.
Everything is changing.
Since the last time I sat in this car, only a few short hours ago, everything is different.
Think carefully about this, Jayne. We want you.
Their command over my body in the restaurant haunts me. The world around us fell away when they took control. I’ve never given myself to anyone so fast, and it’s both of them. It’s overwhelming and amazing all at once. I have to keep reminding myself it’s real.
Tonight really happened.
Closing my eyes, I still feel Lucas and Declan’s hands on me, in me. The softness of their lips and the taste of their mouths as they consumed me; their scent still lingers all over me. Being in between both of them and surrounded by their smell was exhilarating.
Their voices still echo in my mind. My body hums with the memory of how they made me feel. Then, when it was over, their eyes bore into me. Devastatingly sexy, they sat in serious silence and let me go–and I left.
The severity of their expressions made me feel that a relationship with them will require more than I’ve ever given before. I was vulnerable to their control, and I enjoyed it, which shocks me.
I’m not at a point in my life where I can allow myself to trust anyone, but in only a short time, I have come to trust Declan and Lucas.
So where do I go from here?
A hint of shame prickles over me as I picture my panties on the floor in the restaurant. I can’t believe I ran out of there without grabbing them.
Then logic returns, admonishing me for letting my guard down and moving ahead without thinking.
What does this mean for me? I love my job. Do I stay and work there? Three of the four of us in the office have a secret, and I feel dishonest.
Or do I leave and look for work elsewhere? I don’t think I would ever be paid this well starting out at another company, and it had been three months of looking for work before Howard was kind enough to help me get this job.
My thoughts settle on Howard. I’ve let him down. Regardless of my feelings for Declan and Lucas, I’ve taken this great opportunity from Howard, and I’m ruining it. He trusted me, sending me to his peers, and this is
what I’ve done with his trust.
My thoughts are pulled to tomorrow’s lunch. Howard, his kids, and my mother will be there. I already have too much to consider; I don’t think I can handle her now.
9:42 Mon, Sep 22
Chapter 22
:
65 vouchers
Always the victim, she will push at my resolve, and my emotions are wound so tight that I fear his kids will think I’m a crazy daughter absent of her sensibilities.
Through it all, I see them: Declan and Lucas. They are anchoring me, but it isn’t to my old life. They are offering me something new, and I want it, but it comes with a fragility that I’m not sure I’m prepared for. It’s as though I’m standing at the very top of a house of cards.
When I told Lucas I felt vulnerable, I wasn’t lying. I feel like I might break. I’ve worked so hard to strengthen myself against my mother’s indifference and having my heart broken that one wrong move could destroy everything I want and shatter my soul. One wrong move can send my mother on a rampage.
The only thing I can do right now is place one foot in front of the next. I’ll get lunch over with and spend the rest of the weekend contemplating what my future could hold.
I like Howard, and I hope his sons are as kind as he is. None of them deserve my mother, but I have no choice but to show up and keep my mouth shut. As soon as I have what is mine, I’ll fade away from her for good. She’s made it clear she isn’t interested in building a bond between us, and I’ve become too tired to keep trying.
I hate keeping secrets, especially when I know how devastating their results will be, but there is no other choice. One wrong move, and I lose everything I have left, and I can’t allow that to happen. The cabin is all I’ve got.
The only thing I have to do is not get too attached to Howard and his family. Evelyn will tear everything down soon enough anyway.
***
Pulling into the driveway of Howard’s place gives me such an inferiority complex. The driveway alone is longer than the street I live on, and the mansion is so large that last time I was here I got lost on my way back from the bathroom.
My feelings of inadequacy have nothing to do with Howard though. He would never make me feel less than. He’s too kind.
It’s all her, my mother. I only hope she is playing the lovely girlfriend today–that, and she doesn’t get the chance to talk to me alone, because that’s when her claws come out.
Parking my old Jeep out front only heightens the feeling that I look out of place, and I am already bracing for a snide comment from my mother as I walk through the front hall and back toward the gardens.
Of course, she won’t make it sound like an insult to anyone else, but it will be.
The truth is, I’m not overweight. Years of unhealthy eating habits and tears opened my eyes a while ago. I’m the very definition of average. I’m on the high end of the healthy range for BMI, but I’m still in the range. I know now that how she sees me is all about who she is, not how I really look.
Still, having my own mother cut me down hurts to the point where I don’t feel the pain any longer..not often,
anyway.
Everyone is seated around the table, but Howard’s two sons have their backs to me, and the hedges block my view. I take a deep breath, aim my gaze at the ground in an attempt to stifle my enmity, and plaster on my
9:42 Mon, Sep 22
Chapter 22
77
55 vouchers
happy–daughter face as I step up to the table. When I get there, I turn to face everyone and say hello.
But my worlds come crashing together.
For a moment, flashes of last night pummel into me, and I clench my teeth so hard, a dull pain shoots into my temple.
Staring back at me are the two sets of eyes that have consumed my thoughts since last night, and the world falls out from under my feet.
